Freedom in Fremont?August 9
After playing with M. Darcy’s ugly dolls some more, I found myself in a dark place. I bounced around a lot and then one day the bouncing stopped and I was being taken out of a box. At first I was excited because I was sure I was finally at my Rachel’s house but then I saw some kids. Rachel hates kids, so I knew I couldn’t be at her house.
It seems that I had been sent to visit MacMadame and her family. The little girl cub (they called her “Mini-Mac”) thought I was really cute and was very excited to see me. She wanted to take me with her everywhere she went. Unfortunately, she loved my leash just as much and wanted me to wear it everywhere, too.
MacMadame tried to explain that the leash was just for when it was dangerous for me, but Mini-Mac wouldn’t listen. MacMadame was annoyed but she didn’t cuff Mini-Mac in the head like my mom does when I’m being a pain. I guess human parents don’t do that. Somehow, I think that explains a lot.
MacMadame seemed less thrilled to see me than Mini-Mac. The first thing she said when she lifted me out of the box was that she’d heard what I was up to the last time I was in Northern California and there would be “none of that” while I was in her care. I’m not sure exactly what she meant by that, but I’m pretty sure that meant she wouldn’t be offering me any beer with my supper.
Sure enough we went to McDonalds that night and there was no beer there. Also, Mini-Mac wanted me to wear my leash to McDonalds. Mini-Mac said that McDonald’s was very dangerous. MacMadame gave in, much to my dismay. There is nothing dangerous about McDonald’s!
But then later when we were there, something happened that caused me to change my mind.
The next day, we went skating. MacMadame called it “ice dancing” which is a kind of figure skating that is even sissier than real figure skating. Mini-Mac tried to convince MacMadame that ice dancing is dangerous. MacMadame agreed but said a leash wouldn’t help me. I couldn’t figure out what she meant just then. After all, ice dancers don’t even do triple jumps, so how dangerous could it be?!
When we got to the rink, I decided to try ice dancing too. My Rachel is from Canada and I heard everyone there has to learn to skate or else they get deported. So I figured it was time to learn. I got Mini-Mac’s skates out of the bag but they didn’t fit me.
I had to wear rentals, which is not as cool. MacMadame lent me some gloves because it was cold at the rink and they weren’t cool either.
Then we started skating. At first, I was doing okay but I soon found out what MacMadame meant about it being dangerous. Some of those ice dancers were very FAST and they didn’t always watch out for a little bear like me.
MacMadame tried to explain about something called “session etiquette” and how couples doing the current dance had the right of way over bears, but I figured they were just jealous because I was such as good skater even though it was my first time. Either way, it seemed like a good time to take a break.
One of the cool things about ice dancing is that there are lots of pretty girls there. I asked one of the male skaters to give me some tips on how to pick up girl skaters. So he showed me how he does it.
Then, I heard another of the male dancers say he was going out for a “smoke”. I wasn’t sure what that was but I remembered that my Rachel is a “smoker” and so I went with him to see if Rachel might be there. He gave me something called a cigarette and I pretended to like it so he would think I was macho. But then MacMadame caught us and she was really mad! Plus Rachel wasn’t there after all.
At this point, MacMadame said I was a very bad bear and she was going to introduce me to something called “clean living”. I was dubious, but so far I haven’t been having much luck finding Rachel and I’m getting desperate enough to try anything. Even clean living.
MacMadame was kind of vague about what clean living was but apparently you can’t do it in Northern California because she said we were going to drive to Kansas City! I was excited to be going to Kansas because I figured I could visit Dorothy and she could get the wizard to send me Rachel! But MacMadame said Kansas City wasn’t in Kansas; it was in some place called Missouri. Well, it’s also in Kansas but we weren’t going to the Kansas City in Kansas, but the one in Missouri. I’m so confused. I do not think humans are good at naming things (though they did okay naming me).
But MacMadame said that not only will we find clean living there but it’s also East of here and so it’s closer to Rachel’s home. I thought about it and in the end I agreed to go with her.
The next morning, MacMadame, Mr. Mac and MacBoy (the boy cub) all started loading up the car. The first thing they had to do was take out a big tire full of holes that was sitting the back of their mini-van. I am pretty the spare tire is not supposed to look like that, but MacMadame told me not to worry about it because all the tires actually on the car were new. I tried not to worry but I’m a very young cub and I don’t want to die. Maybe driving to Kansas City is not such a good idea after all.
Then they crammed that mini-van with more stuff than I’d ever seen in one car before. I was impressed. Sort of.
The back of the mini-Van was full so I got into the front seat. But MacBoy said that was his seat. But there weren’t any more seats! I asked them where I was supposed to sit and MacBoy had some suggestions.
MacMadame rolled her eyes and said we were worse than MacBoy and Mini-Mac with our squabbling and she put me on the dash next to a weird box that talked.
Then she started the car. But instead of going “rrrrrrrr”, it went “clickity-clickity-clickity”. It seemed the battery was dead. I got very excited because of course we couldn’t go to Kansas City without a battery. But Mr. Mac gave us something called a “jump” and MacMadame drove to a car battery store and got a new battery.
Then we got on the freeway. I like driving on the freeway because you can go really, really fast. Except we weren’t going fast at all. Then we had to get off the freeway. It seems there was an accident and a tractor-trailer spilled acid all over the place and they closed the freeway. But eventually we got back on at a different spot and then we really started driving fast.
We drove. And drove. And drove.
After a while I suggested we play a car game. We decided to play a “drinking” game where you took a sip every time you saw a billboard and you “chugged” every time it said something about Jesus. MacMadame gave us all cans of something called “root beer”. Beer! Maybe she was kidding about that clean living stuff.
Except that “root beer” doesn’t look or taste like beer at all. It does coming in a silver can, but that’s as close as it gets to the real thing. Oh well, it wasn’t beer, but it wasn’t bad, either.
After that we drove for a very long time. So long that we ran out of that “root beer” stuff (there were a lot of billboards about Jesus). Then MacMadame started to get upset. It seems she forgot to buy gas when we stopped for dinner. (Talk about dumb.) So we used the talking to box to figure out where the nearest gas station was. It turns out that box is something called a “GPS” and it helps you find things – maybe I can use it find Rachel!
Unfortunately, the nearest gas station was over 20 miles away. MacMadame didn’t think we would make it so I suggested she put the car into neutral every time we went downhill. Luckily we had just passed the Tahoe National Forest and pretty much everything was downhill. After careening down the mountain for about fifteen miles, we coasted into a gas station and were able to get more gas. Tai Sham saved the day!
Now that everyone was calmer, I asked the talking box how to get to Rachel’s but it just said “bear left in 33 miles”. But there weren’t any bears (other than me) anywhere, let alone in 33 miles. Stupid box.
We drove some more after that until everyone was pretty tired. MacMadame wasn’t happy because we were supposed to be in some place called Salt Lake City but we were only in Wendover on the Nevada and Utah border. (Except she kept calling it Bendover – what is it with humans and names?)We stopped at a Motel 6 for the night even though there were lots of things called casinos to stay at. MacMadame said casinos aren’t a place to learn about clean living, but I think she is just cheap.
I tried to call Rachel from the hotel but MacMadame wouldn’t let me. She said long distance calls weren’t included. Motel 6 also does not have Internet access so MacMadame couldn’t check her email and MacBoy couldn’t play something called “World of Warcraft.”
MacMadame suggested we all read a bit before bed but all she had were romance novels. I tried one, but the plot was silly.
MacBoy only reads something called “manga”, but he already read all the manga he’d brought while we were in the car so he and I decided to go to bed while MacMadame finished her book.
The next day we had a bit more excitement because MacMadame thought she locked her keys in the car. But it turned out to be a false alarm. While she was running around trying to get back into the car, I found some beer! There wasn’t a lot left but I managed to get every last drop out.
We got on the road and drove some more. At lunch we stopped at McDonalds (again) even though MacMadame said that French Fries and Chicken McNuggets were not clean living. (Then why do we eat there so much?)
I got to eat something called a Happy Meal and it was so cool because when I got done with my meal, there was a prize at the bottom. If I ever go back to the zoo, I’m going to ask them to serve Happy Meals instead of all that bamboo.
For lunch we went to a real restaurant instead of McDonalds. It was in Wyoming so I looked for cowboys. I’m pretty sure my Rachel likes cowboys because Kiefer Sutherland is a cowboy. In fact, I think he has a ranch in Wyoming so the entire time we were there, I looked for my Rachel. I didn’t see any cowboys (or Rachel) at the diner but I did meet a Jackalope. I asked him if he’d seen my Rachel but he hadn’t.
Then we also stopped at something called “Wal-mart” even though MacMadame said it was evil. But MacBoy needed a toothbrush. On the way out, there was a wall of missing people. I got excited again since Rachel is missing! At least I’m missing her. So maybe she was on the wall. I made MacMadame bring me over and we looked and looked, but my Rachel wasn’t there anywhere. So we got back on the road and kept going.
We drove pretty far that day and after a while looking out the window got boring so I decided to listen to some tunes.
I also convinced MacBoy to lend me his cell phone so that I could try to call Rachel without MacMadame having a cow. But then I realized I didn’t know her number. Stupid cell phone.
That night we stopped in Lake Ogallala (see, I told you human’s are bad at naming places) and the place we stayed that night had Internet access so MacBoy and I got to finally play “World of Warcraft”. MacBoy is a good player and he got me to level “31″. Apparently girls are impressed by stuff like that. At least that’s what MacBoy said. I hope Rachel is impressed.
The next was our last day on the road. That means we were almost to Kansas City! That’s when I found out we weren’t going to visit the wizard but to see something called “gymnasts” who were competing at something called the “US Classic”. MacMadame seemed very excited to see the “gymnasts” and said they were “elites” and could teach me all about clean living. I was not impressed.
One thing I have not mentioned yet is how hot it’s been. It was pretty hot in California. It was pretty hot in Nevada. Utah and Wyoming were okay because we were mostly in the mountains. But then we got to Nebraska and it was pretty hot in Nebraska. I wasn’t happy about this, but luckily MacMadame’s car had air conditioning and a big cooler full of soda. (It would have been better if it had been beer. Not root beer – real beer.)
So we drank a lot of soda and that kept us cool. Unfortunately, beer isn’t the only thing that should be nicknamed “Vitamin P”.
Some of the places we stopped at were not panda-friendly like the Motel 6 was. This one place had a big sign by the door saying No Animals.
I was not happy because I really had to pee and I did not want to have another accident like I did in Hollywood. But MacBoy said he could sneak me in. Not only did he get me in before it was too late, he showed me how to pee like a big boy!
I am starting to like that MacBoy even if he keeps stuffing me into weird places and saying I’m annoying.
While we were waiting for MacMadame to pee (why do girls take so long to pee? I hope my Rachel isn’t like that), I found some cars to practice my driving.
I got pretty good with the toy cars so then I tried to drive the real car. But since I’m such a little bear, I couldn’t steer and also press the gas pedal, so I had to give up and let MacMadame drive.
In spite of MacMadame’s fussing, we got into Kansas City with plenty of time to spare. First we checked into the hotel.
Then we went shopping for things she forgot.
The next day we got up early and had breakfast at the hotel.
Then we went to the “venue” and set up. Mr. Mac wasn’t there to help us so I had to help.
Then MacMadame tried to teach me how to shoot gymnastics so I could help out. I did my best but I don’t pandas are cut out to be sports photographers.
So after that I stayed in the booth and helped out there.
This is when I found out that “gymnasts” are actually “cute girls”.
I really liked helping them and I sold them lots of “images.”
I wanted to get closer to the gymnasts so first I tried to dress like them. I tried on a “leo” but I don’t think I’m really a “leo” kind of bear.
Then I put a “scrunchie” in my hair. All the gymnasts wear scrunchies. I think it helps them with their tumbling runs – it gives them extra power or something.
I also met another bear while we were at the “US Classic”. She was helping out in the booth next to ours.
We talked for a bit but she didn’t know where Rachel was so I decided to pass the time by entering the competition.
First I had some of the gymnasts show me their moves.
Then it was my turn.
I had a great vault.
The judges must have agreed because they gave me a “10” and that means “perfect.”
Except MacMadame says that “10” doesn’t mean perfect any more and 10 is not actually that great score for a vault at this level. I’m sure she must be mistaken.
So I moved on to the beam.
The beam was fun, but I enjoyed chalking up for the bars the best.
Then I did my bar routine including my “pak”. (Only the very top gymnasts do a “pak” on bars.)
Finally, I got to show my dance moves on the floor exercise. I really got the crowd going with my routine to music from Pirates of the Caribbean.
In the end, I won the All-Around in the bear division!
After that the competition was over so we had to pack up and leave.
Even though I had a good time, I was disappointed because a) clean living is hard and b) I never saw my Rachel. I guess she doesn’t go to gymnastics competitions. I asked MacMadame to take us to a hockey game instead, but she said that they had no ice rinks in Kansas City so we were going to a casino. That’s even better – if my Rachel is anywhere in Kansas City, I bet it’s in a casino!
First we went to the buffet for dinner. It was all you can eat. So I did.
Then I ate some more.
Then we walked to the casino area. I knew my Rachel would be there because they have “blackjack” and “poker” there and also you can smoke and drink. I was so excited. Except on the way, some strange guy reached around and whacked MacMadame and MacBoy in the head for no reason! I wanted to tear his arm off and eat it but MacMadame decided it would be better to just call “security”. So they did. But “security” couldn’t do anything because it was his word against ours as to what had happened.
MacMadame and MacBoy were kind of freaked out by now so we skipped the casino and went back to the hotel to pack.
I was disappointed not to see the casino or meet Rachel and I still think I should have eaten that man who hit us.
But MacMadame said I’d have even more fun at my next destination and it was even closer to Rachel’s place. I hope my next adventure has just as many pretty girls and medals. But a lot less driving.